I hope this post will give hope to one person who may be in a dark struggle. It is a letter I sent to a friend many years ago who was going through a period of depression. With the exception of removing two very private things concerning others it is the same.

My Testimony

For we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony.

I as you know have had some really dark days in my past. Days so dark that suicide was not something I thought about but had an action plan and goal that I attempted more than once to achieve. Life was a horrible task master and I wanted out. Days when I could barely make it into the house before I broke into tears. Days when I cried on the subway and bus because life felt heavy, way too heavy for me. Wishing and praying I would find someone to who could help me with the everyday chores of life, the shopping, cleaning appointments and work. Days when I would get dressed, but held on to the doorknob with my keys in my hand and sometime my son standing beside me bewildered because I could not get out of the house.

I stopped praying because I hated crying yet again about what had not changed in decades. I thought God what have I done so bad that I can not have the simple things in like a husband. Times when I would not cry because I was afraid I would not stop. Then I thought it was a test and I just had to be patient and maybe someday B--- would love me or get saved or whatever the scenario it would get so much better. Then later I said it was because I gave myself to too many so now the Lord is denying me my hearts desire, then I said oh it is over now because I am divorced and disobeyed God by marrying wrong I won’t ever have that.

I felt like every mistake I made was going to be a black mark against me. I said being a Christian was too hard, I can’t keep up. I can’t be nice enough, go to church enough and pray enough. I felt guilty every time I missed a Sunday or heard a message or prayer, or sharing your faith. I felt guilt and yes some anger too. God why did you make it so hard to follow you? Why can’t I have a Christian man who will encourage me , my child and we could grow together. That’s what you have done to others. Give me peace about being alone I said teach me to accept it…but He never did. I said well I know the bible says he loves me, but I guess not like some. I was going to church and learning but not much was changing in my life. I worked and went home. All the hurts and the rejections, the being treated like dirt on jobs, the unethical treatment from others wore me out. I became a little paranoid and a lot self centered, but I didn’t know it at the time. I could go on and on. I told God I could not take another loss. Another friend who does not call anymore, a past love who closes the door, an opportunity closed to me. I did not know how to pray then, and did not really care to. I kept saying God is loving but deep inside I thought he was cruel.

The biggest change came when I really understood how much God loves me. Maybe because I started saying God I need to see down here right where I am that you love me.

It was like he was waiting for that request, waiting for me to say prove it Lord, that is moee than just going to heaven, more than church stuff and Christian sayings. I found He loves me so much that he tosses my sin into the sea of forgetfulness, and when the devil comes before him saying but she did this and this. God says, I do no recall that only that she has accepted the gift I gave when my son died. Instead of my sins he sees his son. I will never again live lime that is not enough because with it I became a conqueror and more. I tossed up my hands and said I am tired God and if you don’t step in and help me, I will be lost. He showed me that my depression was anger, for the things I did not get. Anger because I felt deep inside me the life was something I was given that was not fair. It was my mind and body rebelling against the truth God had put in my soul when I accepted Christ on April 6, 1982. I was once oppressed and depressed now I am free.

You will be free as well, just because He loves us.

If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed. John 8:36



I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth. He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber. Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand. The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul. The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore. Psalm 121:1-8




Thank you Jesus!